February 14, 2016 | by Alexis |
For Valentine’s Day, I thought it’d be fun to talk about romance novels and how they differ from reality. I don’t know about you, but romance novels are my escape from my day-to-day life. I love the thrill I get from reading about two people who find their happy ever after (okay…it might be the sexy scenes) after an angst-filled journey.
To start thing’s off, let’s talk about the men in our favorite dirty books. All men are created equally (READ…sexy, most likely tattooed and pierced, tortured, a dirty talker, etc.). If we narrow down to our favorite sub-genre, we can have our choice between the millionaire, stepbrother (OVER IT), dominating alpha-male, or last but not least, your best guy friend that you’ve been lusting over since birth and he’s finally told you he’s felt the same way…The. Entire. Time. I don’t know about you, but my husband is not any of those things, and yet I love him. He may kill me if I actually say it, but I’m going to say it anyway; he’s the most loveable, funniest—albeit dorky guy—out there. I wouldn’t fix a thing about him. We didn’t share any sort of parentage, nor is he tattooed (I wish), or super wealthy. He also doesn’t have that glorious V we read about—but that’s because I keep him well fed. Truth is…he is IT for me, and I can’t imagine my life without him.
Sigh, give me a moment…Ah, okay…
Now let’s talk about sex—thanks Salt N Pepa for that fabulous segue. Well ladies, I can also assure you that it’s definitely not as realistic as our romance novels portray. I think the one sort of sexy time that irks me the most is the virgin who orgasms THE FIRST TIME. Yeah, um, like that really happens. I can assure you that in high school my fellow Gap coworker was not the Casanova that all these girls in novels are finding. I know I am not the only one who had all of fifteen seconds and then thought, “WTF…it’s over? What about me? Did it really happen? I want a do-over. STAT!?!” Where were these straight-A-sex-god virgins when I was looking to lose my V-card? .
Oh wait, but it gets better. Then we have the couples that have sex non-stop (which is always fantastic BTW and even better without the UTI) day after day. I don’t know about you, but I work a full-time job and attempt to work out at least semi-regularly. After a long day at work, I’m tired, my bra has made funny indentations on my shoulders and back, I’m cranky, and frankly I’m in need of a good meal and want to be in bed by 8:30 pm. The last thing I want to do is shave for the first time in a week…or so. (Don’t judge, it’s wintertime.) Then there’s the whole make myself feel sexy, put down the latest book I’m reading, log off social media. Wait, what? Huh? So soon? Again, this is more realistic than our romance novels.
But this is the thing, my husband doesn’t need to take me for a ride in his Charlie Tango or on the back of his motorcycle. He doesn’t have to send me lavish gifts or sext me. In fact, Mr. D. has assured me there will be no sexting as his work owns his phone technically. Let’s just say, he’d probably have a coronary if I sent him a pic or dirty text. Truth is, all he needs to do is show me the Costco coupons and talk wine labels to me and my heart melts. Oh…and maybe take me to Buffalo Wild Wings and actually share his wings with me while sitting on the same side of the table. Or he can keep on calling me “Beautiful”, his term of endearment, when he calls me precisely at noon every day. You see, love is actually more beautiful than what you read about it in books. It’s about sharing your life with the person who you dub your “Kellan Kyle”, “Professor West”, or any of your Top Book Boyfriends. It’s about the secret language you have with each other where you also finish each other’s sentences. Every. Single. Time. Or that funny dance you do together when you get really excited about something or just want to be silly.
To be honest, reality is ten times better!